Potty training refusal: what to do when your kid says “no”
Summary: Potty refusal is real. Now what? Potty training can feel like a power struggle, or your child might be avoiding the potty altogether. If this is you, then here are my practical tips as a potty training consultant: stay positive, respond (don’t react), put yourself in their shoes, and make it fun. And before you ask, I also weigh in below on the questions of rewards. If you’re still lost or need support, I’m here for you. Check out my Instagram reels, and book time for a free 1-1 call with me.
Potty refusal is when your child refuses to use the potty. It shows up as power struggles, what look like deliberate accidents, or a meltdown every time you bring it up. If your child refuses to use the potty, you're not alone, and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Potty training resistance is usually about control, not defiance. There are practical steps you can take to move forward without turning potty training into a power struggle.
Stay positive
Focusing on praise, positive reinforcement, and celebrating the effort rather than the outcome will encourage your little one to take a more self-motivated approach to potty training. This means celebrating wins with big celebrations and approaching accidents as learning moments. Children will respond to big reactions from us - both positive and negative. So let’s keep the big reactions the positive ones and respond minimally to the accidents.
Respond, don’t react
Accidents will happen - they are a part of the process, but how we react matters. Let’s handle them constructively, without shame or frustration. Keeping your response factual (ex: “I see you did a pee in your pants.”) and then using them as a learning moment (ex: “All pee and poop go in the potty”) will help them make the connection and avoid any embarrassment or shame.
Every accident is a learning moment. If they opted not to go when their body was telling them they needed a pee then they will likely have an accident. This is less fun than getting that excitement from mom when they have a win. They will crave this more and what more of those wins and less time cleaning up an accident mess.
Put yourself in their shoes
Get to the heart of why your child might be saying no. Whether it is physiological (they can’t feel the need to go), behavioural (they are seeking autonomy), or whether they have a genuine fear or anxiety, every child will need a slightly different approach to potty training. Looking into the emotional and psychological factors at play and how recognizing these can set the stage for a smoother potty training journey. Read this article to help you determine why your child may be refusing to use the potty.
Refusal usually comes from one of three places: Control. The potty is one of the few things they can genuinely say no to. If they're pushing back on everything right now, this is often where it shows up. Bladder awareness. Young children can't feel their bladder filling. They only register the urge when it's urgent, which is why asking "do you need to go?" almost never works. Fear. The sensation, the sound, the unfamiliar position. For some kids, especially around poo, it's genuinely new and genuinely uncomfortable. That's not manipulation. It's just unfamiliar.
If your child has anxiety or fears around potty training download my guide for a step-by-step approach in helping them overcome this.
Make going to the potty fun
While fun isn’t really a word usually associated to potty training, making the process of toileting fun for your child is an incredibly powerful motivator. If they have to stop playing to do something mundane, I can guarantee you they will opt to continue to do the more fun thing. So why not make potty training fun and engaging to help motivate those wins? Some ideas include some fun potty activities like toys or books that you can put next to the potty, having them listen to music or an audio book, play games with you, etc.
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Since most children cannot actually feel their bladder until they are fully full, let’s just stop asking them if they have to go and encourage them to listen to their body instead. Observe their body’s natural signs that they need to go and help them notice them too. For example, if you little one walks on their tip-toes before having an accident, bring this to their attention by saying “hey, I see you are walking on your tip-toes. This is usually a sign that a pee is ready to come. Let’s go see if we can get a pee in the potty!”
When Nothing's Working: The 5-Step Reset
If you're a few days in and your toddler is completely dug in, this is where to start. We're not changing the goal. We're changing the framework so the motivation can actually come from them.
Remove every alternative. No pull-ups, not even for naps to start. I know that feels like a big step. But the minute there's an alternative, there's zero motivation to change. The pull-up isn't making the problem easier to manage. It's making it permanent. Remove it, set one clear message — all pee and poo go in the potty — and hold that line.
Stop asking if they need to go. "Do you need to use the potty?" opens a negotiation, and your toddler will win that every time. Instead, watch them. You know their signals: the tiptoes, going quiet, a certain kind of stillness. When you see one, name it without asking. "Looks like a pee might be coming." You're observing, not inviting a no.
Respond to every accident the same way. This is the one that makes the biggest difference. Keep it completely matter-of-fact: "I see you did a pee in your pants. All pee goes in the potty. Let's get cleaned up." No big reaction, no frustration, no making it a moment. The reaction you give is the information they use to decide whether this is worth more of their energy.
Give them control within the framework. Which potty. Whether they want company or privacy. Which book to bring. The rule is non-negotiable; everything inside it is their choice. That distinction matters. Toddlers who feel some autonomy over the process are far more motivated than toddlers who feel it's being done to them.
Give it two full weeks before you assess. One week isn't enough data. The first few days can actually get messier before they settle into a rhythm, and that's completely normal. Two weeks gives you something real to work with. If you're still stuck at that point with consistent responses and no pull-ups, that's when it's worth booking a call.
Should I use rewards?
Talking about motivating a toddler and a reward is often what comes first to mind. This isn’t something that I usually recommend, however. Hear me out: A reward can take many forms, either tangible (candy, treat, sticker, toy) or intangible (a trip to the park, a fun activity, X minutes of screen time). It’s tempting because you will likely get the quick-win, but you may end up worse off in the long run. They may learn to be reactive to you (as opposed to listening to their body), dependent on a reward to perform, or even lead to negative associations if the reward system fails or stops.
Instead, you should try to embrace their Intrinsic Motivation or Internal Motivation. Understanding what makes Find out what makes them tick, and embrace it. For instance, a gummy bear for each successful potty trip might get you a win or two but if you don’t tap into what really motivates them it will likely fizzle out.
Potty Training is a marathon - not a sprint
While I wish there was, there is no one magic trick that will make your child fully potty trained overnight, or even in a few days. Potty training is a commitment and an ongoing process that requires a lot of attention and nourishment along the way. It can seem all-consuming and may be emotionally and mentally challenging at times. There will be days where they may seem to have mastered the skill with no accidents and then out of nowhere a day where there are more accidents or more pushback than we can count. By understanding your child’s developmental needs and the reason for their pushback, you will find that the challenging days will be fewer and the successful days will become more frequent. With that, their confidence and independence will shine.
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Book a callPotty training doesn't have to be a battleground. By tuning into your child's intrinsic motivators and making the process enjoyable, you'll transform a challenging phase into a journey of independence and confidence—for both of you. By using these tips you and your child can navigate potty training refusal with patience and positivity. Stay patient, keep learning, and don't forget to celebrate the small victories along the way.
Sasha Romary
Certified Potty Training Consultant
Sasha works with families across Europe and North America on potty training, toddler sleep, and behavior. She takes 40 to 50 calls a month and has helped thousands of families get through what felt impossible in a matter of weeks. Her approach is practical, specific, and grounded in child development — not trends.